Elephant in the Room
by Rude Gus
Summary: “No, Lily, I mean there’s an elephant in the room. Over there. It’s standing on your purple scarf.” A prequel of sorts to Haggis.


_A fic written for our great friend (and secret little sister) Kate on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday. It's set about a week and a half before Haggis from Algernon starts. __  
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**Elephant in the Room**

"Why is there an elephant in the room?"

"Peter, I told you that we're not talking about that more."

"No, Lily, I mean there's an elephant in the room. Over there. It's standing on your purple scarf."

"Oh. I'm not really sure how I'm meant to react to this."

"Do you have any peanuts?" asked Beatrice.

Karl looked quite pleased. "D'you think it's big enough for us to ride on it?"

"No. Oh, dear God, no," Remus moaned, sinking his head into his hands.

"_Remus_?"

"No," he repeated, abruptly standing up. "I refuse to get involved in this. I gave him several proper, practical ideas. This is not in any way my fault and I'm leaving now." And then he did.

Lily curled up into a ball on the couch and covered her head with a pillow.

"Oi, Evans!" yelled a voice from the boys' staircase.

"Oh, please, why. Why today. Actually, I know why today. Ruining our few good weeks of silence…." Lily's voice was muffled from the pillow.

"Evans!" James called out, bounding down the stairs. He leapt down the last few to land on the ground with a thud.

"Get up," said Emily, snatching the pillow from Lily. "This should be good."

"Bitch," Lily muttered, as she unfurled and folded her arms primly across her chest. "Wow, look, the fireplace has suddenly become vastly interesting."

James grinned and took in the confused and pleased faces of Lily's birthday party. "D'you like it?" he asked, strolling over to stand next to her chair.

"It's alright, I suppose. I've never been much of a fan of large, open fires," she replied airily, keeping her eyes trained away from the, well, elephant in the room and the lout responsible for it. "Far too messy."

"No, the elephant! Right over there! It's got your name on it. Didn't have time for a bow. Well, I did, but he wasn't exactly cooperative, so it'll have to do. He almost stepped on Algernon. Now he's not speaking to me. Algernon, that is. Not the elephant."

"Hang on, your cat can speak?" said Karl. "Can I talk to it?"

Lily ignored Karl and stared past him at the elephant, which was still standing on her favorite scarf. Several silent seconds passed in which she tried to think of something witty or intelligent to say, and failed miserably.

"Why?" she whispered weakly, as if James had just dashed into the common room and killed everyone she loved.

James looked pointedly at Karl and said, "No. Just- no." To Lily, he added, "Because! It's like- what's it called, the shoe-ver thing. Cleans up things. I saw it on the telly, it was brilliant! And Remus told me to."

"But," Lily looked from the elephant to James and back again. "Potter, that's an elephant."

"A _baby_ elephant," he corrected. "I told you, it's great. He'll clean up messes and things for you, so it's dead useful. And besides, you're a girl and all, and don't girls like taking care of things?"

"It's amazing, really," Emily whispered to Beatrice.

"Mm-hmm," Beatrice replied, mouth full of popcorn.

Lily overheard. "Wait, is that popcorn? Where'd that come from?"

"Nowhere," said Emily, grabbing the bag and shoving it behind her back.

"James loves popcorn. You should give him some," said James.

Lily shifted her attention back to James, surveying him like one would do a person standing on a ledge, threatening to jump. "But… Potter, that's an _elephant_. It can't, I can't, I don't understand…" She looked to Beatrice and Emily for comfort, but they were too engrossed in tittering at her and shoving more popcorn down their throats.

"Why are you talking about yourself as if you're not here when you are?" said Karl, utterly bewildered.

"Shut up, Karl," Beatrice poked him in the side and thrust a handful of popcorn in his direction.

"But he must know he's here because he's him…"

"I wasn't talking about _myself,_ I was talking about James. As in, James the baby elephant who's standing right over there and would really love some peanuts. He gets angry when he doesn't get fed. It gets ugly." A stricken look crossed James' face, only to be replaced with a cheery grin once more. "Haven't you seen that show on the telly? With the funny cars and the pelicans? I've seen real cars, they don't work that way," he said knowingly.

"Oh my God," Emily stage-whispered to Beatrice. "First and owl and then an elephant. He's going to buy her a whole zoo."

"And name every animal he buys after himself!" Beatrice whispered back, equally as loud.

Lily was still gawking at James. The person, not the elephant. "So, you're telling me that you saw a magical cleaning elephant on a Muggle television, bought me one because Remus told you to, and named it after yourself?"

"No, don't be stupid." He rolled his eyes. "I bought you the owl for secret Santa, but you weren't having it so I Transfigured James into an elephant," he explained patiently. "I thought you might like it better, and it's your birthday and all…."

"That's really advanced, Prongs," said Peter. "Brilliant. It cleans up after you?"

"Yeah, sucks it all right up the trunk. It's really cool, I tested it with some peanuts in our room."

"Those were mine!"

"Yeah, thanks for them. He was much better at picking up those than the dirt I threw around."

Beside Lily, Beatrice and Emily burst into peals of laughter, the former accidentally spitting popcorn at Karl's head. Lily, however, was still frozen solid.

"James?" she murmured to herself, and frowned. "My James? My owl? You Transfigured…" She stood up like a shot and her voice rose by several decibels. "You Transfigured my baby into an elephant because you wanted to vacuum some peanuts?!"

"Among other things! You didn't seem to like the owl, so I figured, you know, I'd fix what I started."

"It's not the owl I don't like, you great prat, it's you!" She stepped over a small pile of birthday presents and grabbed hold of his elbow. "Turn him back!"

"But you said it was stupid and that you hated James!"

"Not that James, I love that James! I hate _this_ James." She pulled at his arm to indicate the he was indeed the latter James whom she couldn't stand.

"Oh," he said, sounding crestfallen. "That actually makes a lot more sense. But don't you want an elephant? Owls can't clean up after you. They'll just deliver your mail. Well. That's useful, too, but this might be better. I can't tell."

"Elephants do not clean up after their owners," she explained testily. "Elephants do not _have_ owners, on account of the fact that they are wild animals and about twenty feet tall when fully grown. How on earth did you ever get that idea into your head?"

"I _told_ you, I saw it on the telly! The one with the funny cars. Cars aren't propelled by human feet, even I know that. Television."

"Oh. Oh, I see." She dropped his elbow and folded her arms across her chest. "And on this television program you saw, did they take photographs by having a bird carve images on a slab of stone and take showers beneath a wooly mammoth?"

"Yeah! I love that show, it's dead brilliant. You've seen it, too, then, and should know how the elephant works. I don't know why you're so confused."

"It's fiction!" she exploded. "It's a cartoon for children! Nobody in the history of time has ever cleaned their living room carpet with an elephant, nor will they ever!"

James considered this for a second. "Are you sure? It seems awfully clever to me. I'm surprised people don't."

"No, Potter, it is not remotely clever, it is stupid. In fact, you have never appeared more decidedly stupid to me than you do right now. That monstrosity that I used to call my pet only 'cleaned up' those peanuts because that's what elephants eat, peanuts. Or did you not wonder why it didn't eat the dirt, too?"

"I thought it got full and wasn't hungry anymore," he said, dejected.

Oddly disposed to smile at this irritating, yet rather endearing, display of stupidity, Lily cleverly hid her face in her hands and groaned.

"That doesn't sound like Remus," said Beatrice suddenly, frowning.

"What?" Lily removed her face from her hands and spun around to face her.

"Remus wouldn't tell Potter to buy you an elephant, Remus has a brain. _Remus_," she continued smugly, giving James the evil eye, "bought Lily a gift voucher for Scrivenshaft's _and_ chocolate for all of us."

"Even Karl got her a good present," said Emily, holding up a thick copy of _The top 50 weirdest wizards and witches to wander the wild world_.

"Yeah, I did," said Karl, shaking his head at James. "Bad form, mate."

"Well, he did, alright?" James said defensively. "I trusted him and he stabbed me in the back!"

"He told you to buy her an elephant?" Beatrice asked skeptically.

"Yes."

Peter frowned and said, "Are you sure? Because I was there when you asked him for ideas and he never mentioned an elephant."

"Well," James faltered, "he might not have used those exact words, but I remember walking away from that conversation thinking about elephants. I'm positive it came up somehow."

"Peter?" prompted Emily.

"Er…."

"_Peter._"

"Remus said… that you should get her something practical."

"Yes. Pragmatic," James said, nodding. "Like an elephant vacuum."

Biting her lip, Lily turned back around and surveyed James, somewhat fondly, but mostly with pity. "Potter, I… appreciate the effort, and the fact that you somehow possess the talent to turn an owl into an elephant, but even if the world really was as you see it and an elephant could vacuum the floor, why on earth would you give one to me? In fact, I'm not quite sure whether I should be a little offended that you decided to give me cleaning equipment for my birthday."

"Oh, I dunno," he confessed. "You've always struck me as very hygienic, I suppose. I know I bollocksed up your Christmas present and you're really pretty and I like you and... yeah."

"I liked my Christmas present," she said, rubbing her eyes. "I already told you that but you weren't listening, as usual. It was one of my favorite presents, but I didn't like that you named him before I could just because you wanted to hear me say you name over and over. And speaking of James, can you turn him back now, please?"

"Your favorite?" James perked up a bit. "Fantastic. Who needs a stupid elephant anyway. Definitely better to have an owl." He waved his wand and the elephant quickly shrank down to the snowy owl he'd been before.

"Thanks," said Lily, smiling a bit. "You think I'm pretty?"

"Merlin, yes. You're gorgeous. Why else do you think I like you so much?"

"I beg your pardon?" she asked coolly. "That's the only reason?"

"Er… no. I also like you because… you don't like Snape anymore. I really like that."

"And that's it."

"Um… possibly. Give me a second."

"Right. Perfect. Thanks for changing my owl back to normal and please avoid me at all costs in the future. I would appreciate it if we never spoke of this incident again, thanks."

"You mean like some sort of —"

"Do _not_ finish that sentence."

"— elephant in the room."

"We are never speaking again."

**---**

_Happy birthday, Kate, we think you're freaking awesome. And if you're curious, here is what they later wrote in their diaries:_

**30****th**** January**

Today Potter turned my precious owl into an elephant so that I could clean my floor. Don't ask me to explain his logic or his thought processes, diary, because my head will explode if I even dare to attempt it. It had something to do with a Muggle cartoon and mishearing some well meant advice from Remus, but I may be mistaken because I was rather dazed (with stupidity!) at the time. Then he proceeded to inform me that the only reason he even fancies me is because a) I am pretty, and b) I do not like Severus any more. If those romantic and eloquent words failed to prompt me to rip his clothes from his body and order him to take me right then and there, I don't know what will.

Oh wait, I do, actually. Literally _anything_ but that.

Happy birthday to me.

---

Evans did not like her present.

I am heartbroken.

Why am I even alive.

Algernon wants peanuts.


End file.
